The AI-generated image I used to illustrate this post is pretty much the feeling I am in all the time. Since I started running games as a GM so many years ago, I always felt at least a bit overwhelmed. I always felt like I wasn’t really at the top of my game. But for the longest time things worked out quite well. My players had fun and didn’t even notice that I was panicking and improvising like a madman. Eventually I learned to really rely on my improvisational skills and preparing a session just minutes before meeting the players became like second nature. The feeling of being overwhelmed cropped up from time to time, but for most of the time running games for my players was fun for everyone at the table.
Unfortunately things didn’t stay the same. My roster of players regularly changed as people moved away or lost interest in the hobby. At the same time work got more and more into the way of my hobby. In most cases it’s a time issue. One just doesn’t have as much time as before to run, play, or prepare games. In my case it was different: I had major conflicts with superiors which led me down a dark path into depression.
Many years of therapy followed and eventually I emerged stronger and more confident than before. I took on new responsibilities at work, changed into a new position and ran for the staff council and was eventually elected deputy chair. Confidence in my skills and my work is better than ever and I am respected by coworkers and superiors.
BUT when it comes to gaming, my confidence issues are worse than ever. I feel totally overwhelmed all the time, even when trying to prepare something as simple as a one-shot. I have constant doubts that cause me to change my mind often. Sometimes I feel that I don’t even know what I want anymore. The only thing still burning bright inside of me is the wish to get back into the GM’s chair. It’s something I love(d) and which I am quite good at.
So what caused this? One reason is that I had a pretty serious falling out with a particular player who I considered a friend but who turned out to be quite toxic. Our relationship started to deteriorate when he began attacking my style of running games. He didn’t just discuss his criticisms with me after our gaming sessions but usually muttered things under his breath during the game or actively sabotaged the campaign by acting like the proverbial “that guy”. Unfortunately I tolerated this behaviour far too long and it let it affect my confidence as a GM. Probably because I still was struggling with depression and anxiety I fell into the trap of believing that it was to blame, my lack of skill as a GM was the cause of his behaviour. Instead of setting boundaries I became more vulnerable to the whims of my players. Usually I try to limit the players’ options to what I can handle. Back then I threw all of this out of the window and let them run wild. It ended in desaster. The campaign basically derailed as soon as it left the station.
The second problem I’ve been facing for years is that I own way too many cool TTRPGs and deciding what to play becomes increasingly hard. I would love to try out as many games I can, but that isn’t compatible with the interests of my RPG-playing friends and our schedules. At this point I am feeling like I am pretty much burned out as a GM. I am still playing in a Pathfinder and a Shadowrun game. But putting on the GM’s mantle is still something I’d love to do but I feel I can’t. My fear of messing things up is still pretty strong.
Why am I telling you all of this? There are a few reasons. Writing about these issues help me deal with them. I also hope that some day I get helpful advice I can use to get out of that hole I’ve dug myself into. Perhaps this post can also help others not to make the same mistakes or show them that they are not the only ones having these issues. I’ve also thought about how I could try to get back on my feet.
Planning and running a whole campaign is pretty much out of the question. I don’t want to set myself up for failure again. It’s probably best to stick to one-shot adventures with pre-generated characters. I might have to do some convincing to do with my regular players but this could help me get my feet wet again while also trying some of these fancy games which have been sitting on my shelf all these years.
I am also considering offering to run games online. Since it has been very hard to schedule meetings with my regular gaming group, perhaps looking for new people to play games with online sounds like a viable alternative. I am pretty hesitant though since I have mostly run games for people I know. The last time I introduced new players into one of my games things didn’t turn out that great.
Last but not least I could offer to run something for the groups I’ve been playing with. We’re still in the middle of the respective campaigns, but perhaps we could squeeze in a one-shot adventure when the regular GM or one of the players can’t make it to a session.
I don’t know if this approach might help me in any way, but I have to try. Roleplaying games are my favorite hobby and I am a pretty good GM (at least when I can get my depressive thoughts in check). At the moment I am reading both the fan-translation of Group SNE’s Sword World 2.5 TTRPG and TSR’s Alternity RPG. I haven’t run those before but I’d love to. As of time of this writing I haven’t really approached my gaming groups if they were interested in giving these games I try. What do you think? Does my approach make any sense at all or are you in danger of repeating the same mistakes I did before? Have you been in my shoes before? How did you deal with these issues? Please post your thoughts in the comments below. Any advice is highly appreciated.
